Hanging On

Today is the day I fire up my farewell email. I could not have a peaceful moment all day long.  The phone kept ringing, and people were calling me left, right and center.  I thought someone died, and if the calls didn’t stop, someone was gonna.  Somewhere. I Bcc’d (this is the first time I ever use Bcc btw) my direct manager, his manager, and the unit’s president.  Am I hanging on to a career that was taken from me?

I’m sure you are asking why there is the word “direct” before my manager.  That’s because I have a functional manager too.  You should think the first manager should be my dysfunctional, instead of direct.  Obviously, we didn’t get along.  I mean, he was as direct as indirect was.  “Hi, hope you are well and safe”.  Remember?  Anyway, my functional manager was not even aware I was no longer on the job.

I did not Bcc those three to give them a guilt trip or get some reaction out of them

It’s not how I do things.  That group was Bcc’d simply for opening a channel for the future.    I could have removed them, but I decided to keep them on the list knowing that I will have my say, once the day would arrive when they’ve learned to listen like Google.  I wanted to give them a reminder that the person they signed off on to be let go has the business as a priority, and the company’s interest at heart.  Most importantly, he had one hell of a record going back 15 years from 2016.  Disregarding everything else, such people should not be let go.  These people implement change, the right way.  I was hanging on to my worth.

As I said earlier, change was inevitable in these times.  To change is as basic as to walk.  A step by step process, with a start and a finish.  Not an order or command.  We weren’t in Alice in Wonderland, and no rabbit was gonna start talking.  What I am trying to say is that successful change can only come through an objective understanding of what you are trying to change.  I did not see that this was how management was going about this change, and that sums up my issue with the style of management that took over the part of business I worked for for 16 years.

“When running through hell, don’t stop”

So anyway, I got a response from one of the three.  Something caught my eye in it.  It said, and I quote: “When running through hell, don’t stop”.  I liked that .  Will make sure to add it in the bathroom stall back at university (don’t ask and keep reading).  I laughed.  Because hell it was, and in the truest sense, with everything the world was going through, losing a job was not hell nor nearly as bad.  It was a blessing in disguise. Most likely.  That makes it easier to hang on to the positives.

The corporate world is about sacrifice

We watch series and movies all the time; we hear stories from friends about other friends and people they know.  They always reflect on choices between career or fun, promotions or relationships, and even wealth or health.  When tied to the circle of blank, the outcome of such choices are always changing with the position on the wave’s amplitude.  That was my case most accurately.  Close friendships distanced, new friends were nowhere, and social activities revolved around hanging out with a few colleagues, who became friends, but work chat never ended.  I had lost something, but I will regain other things, I am sure.  What had happened on May 7 wasn’t my choice. However, that is where I had been wrong since 2016.

Fire fighting is hard

Sadly, the last few years of my career had been strictly about fire fighting situations non-stop, with the business aspects chasing us, instead of us chasing the business.  Really, think about that; it’s like being hunted instead of the hunter. Nerve wrecking.  It was impossible to catch up.  One issue resolved, five more knocking.  The objective was to avoid the crap, and let it hit or be caught by someone else.  Sort of like those one-hour sessions playing dodgeball at a trampoline park.  Except that if you catch it, it will stick to you, and there really were no teams.  More like ‘to each his own’. Everyone was trying to hang on to their job for some reason.

Humor is Chaos…

It was chaotic.  Chaotic turned frustrating, and frustrating turned to something completely inexplicable.  It’s easy talking about them now, but really not funny at the time they were happening.  Reminds me of public bathrooms, where I read a phrase that I still carry with me, and it goes like this:  Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.  Yes, this profound quote I first read at the age of 17 in a stall in a public bathroom at the American University of Beirut.  Honestly, I learnt a lot from writings on these bathroom stalls!  They were clean too.  I now believe people went in there for the reading.  The day water decides to fight back nature and stop flowing downhill is the day the water becomes polluted.  Stagnant. 

My company was not trying to be stagnant.  The business unit I ran was unfortunately the biggest rock and the hardest to push along, when the business stream flow was not strong and drying up.

Releasing employees has been an ongoing process from 2015 to 2018

So about that farewell email. The funniest thing happened.  Just so you know.  There was a downturn which never really recovered since 2015.  The company let go of a lot of close and some of the best people I worked with throughout my career up to that point. When they were let go, I spoke to many of them.  “Positivity is contagious,” I thought, and in all my calls, I would congratulate them on having been given the freedom to decide about their future.  I refrained from feeling sorry.  Yet during each of these calls, that “payroll” fix…ohhh that one…  It was on the back of my mind during each and every one of these calls.  I wanted to give them a positive boost, one I did not believe in myself, but thought would be needed. 

Today, the day I sent out my farewell email, I received a call from one of the guys who was on Bcc.  He tells me that he is also a “gun found at a crime site”.  Without much thought, I spontaneously congratulated him.  We had a chat about our plans and when I hung up, I dazed at an imaginary bubble quote with the words: “look at the back of your mind!”  And it hit me.  That “payroll” fix was not there.  So why was I congratulating that colleague?  Did I have to spin this positive vibe to make them feel better?  Actually no.  Despite the worries and the challenges to come after losing one’s livelihood, it was a genuine unconsciously brewing feeling. This feeling was about moving forward, and not about hanging on to something lost. This was a positive twist.

And it was exactly on that day that Siri showed signs of emotional intelligence, and played the song ”I want to break free” by Queen.  Ok, not true, but I realized I broke free, and with all the despites and the uncertainty of a future very much unknown, I finished a phase, and was looking forward to moving on to the next one.  

As is this story for this day.